Thursday, 30 July 2009

A Fagment of Lesbian Wisdom

When a dusty tome recently fell into my hands (I can’t tell you my source because then I’d have to kill you and I just did my nails), I was amazed to have found what seems to be the beginnings of an encyclopaedic work by a lesbian writer. The following was written by hand in an ornate, leather journal covered with dust and mould (eww). Try as I might, I cannot find a name for the woman who was writing this book. I believe this may be a significant literary find. It is but a fragment, which is a shame, but whoever the author was, she is not forgotten; she lives on. I am but a humble servant offering to my sisters the wisdom set forth by her.

Behold: The enDyklopaedia

Darwinian dyke: A dyke who is dangerously close to her primate ancestors. This form of dyke is often observed to scowl, grunt, burp, fart and scratch her crotch; to be avoided by all but the most dedicated animal lovers.

Dastardly dyke: A dyke who is mean-spirited; to be avoided.

Deadpan dyke: A dyke who is without a variety of facial expressions, the most likely expression being a lost, heavily glazed.

Decadent dyke: A dyke who wants it all; a high maintenance dyke; to be avoided.

Decaffeinated dyke: A dyke who has not ingested the requisite amount of caffeine to render her human; this is a highly dangerous form of dyke and must be administered coffee with all haste.

Decent dyke: The beloved form of dyke one wishes to present to mama and papa.

Decisive dyke: A dyke who knows what she wants. Meow!

Decontaminated dyke: A dyke who has sought medical help and is now rid of that nasty bug; proceed with caution.

Depleted dyke: A dyke who lacks funds.

Depreciated dyke: A dyke who is on the way out.

Deputy dyke: A dyke in the employ of law enforcement.

Dextrous dyke: A most excellent friend to have in times of need.

Diabolical dyke: A dyke who upon break-up sews day old prawns into your curtain hems and seeds your carpet with something fast-growing; to be avoided.

Dialectical dyke: A dyke who likes to argue for the sake of argument.

Diaphanous dyke: A dyke who is easily seen through.

Diligent dyke: A dyke who works hard at all she does; likely to be a pleasing lover.

Dinky dyke: A dyke of less than five feet in height.

Dire dyke: One’s nightmare dyke.

Disco dyke: A dyke who finds enjoyment in dancing, whether or not their talent is appreciated by others.

Discourteous dyke: A dyke who is rude.

Disengaged dyke: A dyke who is no longer engaged; an available dyke.

Dishevelled dyke: A dyke who has not made acquaintance with grooming tools, clean clothing, or soap.

Disobedient dyke: A dyke who requires a wider collar and more diligent correction.

Diversified dyke: A dyke who has a girl in every port.

Dizzy dyke: A dyke who is most often of the blonde persuasion.

Dodgy dyke: A dyke who uses one’s toothbrush without first obtaining permission.

Domestic dyke: A highly sought after dyke who possesses the skills and knowledge necessary for housekeeping.

Dramatic dyke: A dyke who thrives upon living from one crisis to another.

Dream dyke: The elusive dyke of one’s dreams.

Dry rot dyke: A dyke who suffers a lack of orgasmic activity.

Duplicate dyke: A dyke who has a twin.

Dusty dyke: An aging dyke.

Dysfunctional dyke: A dyke who is not right in the head.

Dysmorphic dyke: A dyke who thinks she’s hot, but clearly is not.

After the last entry, nothing more is written. We can only imagine the wisdom meant to fill the rest of the pages. Thank you for allowing me to share this important part of our literary history with you.

Your servant,


  1. F-R-A-G-M-E-N-T major oopsie!!!!

  2. Ha ha I've met all of these, and dated a few (not saying which) Oh if only we could find the complete work all our problems would be solved ;o)